I cant deal with being back anymore, i wrote a post below about hawaii but now i need to write about being home. i spent so long in hawaii getting myself relaxed and calming myself down. i learnt through somebody elses touch about myself, i got taught how not to care and how to stay true to myself by one person. it took that person 8 days to gently introduce me to myself. it took 2 days of being at home to get sucked in to the hectic, horrible l.a. lifestyle. i care too much again, im changing to accomidate other people again, ive lost sight of who i am again. That person would be so dissapointed. I feel like im hanging on a rope off a cliff above rapids. i dont know whether to hold on as the wind tries to pull me with it, to stay strong and pray that the thinning string thats holding me wont dissintergrate and let me fall. or whether is should just surrender myself now and let go. i either need something to look forward to or closure and right now im in limbo. im just so sick of missing feeling the arm slip around my shoulders, or the hands pulling me closer. im so tired of trying to figure ways to get back there. its so hard, its too hard and im stuck crying on my bed wishing i wasnt there. but what ive found is wishes arent granted, theyre compromised....the desired result is dangled infront of you in the form of memories or dreams, and then ripped apart before your eyes. the pictures fade and reality steps in. i miss feeling the sand beneath my toes, i miss the wind blowing it all over me and feeling my hair wrap around my neck as a cool breeze sends my heart into leaps. i miss watching the sun leak over the ocean and listening to the steady heart beat. i miss waiting for shooting stars and hearing the calm breathing. i miss everything about everything and ive never been so disappointed to come home. i really cant take it.