i dont really have anything new to blog about. i dont really have anything better to do than blog. its a viscious cycle. i figure i made it clear that im depressed about beign back, depressed about school starting, depressed about pretty much everything. i wrote a long post this morning but realized some of the shit i said was kind of mean so after i published it i deleted it. i guess i could just summerize some of the less mean stuff in that.
Its so hard being back. there are times wehre im fine, i think 'im not sad its over, im happy it happened' and then there are times where i cant walk around because i hate the feel of walking on this ground and not the ground in hawaii. When that happens the only thing i can do is curl up, listen to 'one is the lonliest number' 'she will be loved' and 'my happy ending' while i hold onto the chain as tightly as i can. ive lost track of how many times ive shut my eyes so tight that it hurt, blocked out all sounds exept for my music and prayed that when i opened my eyes id be lying on a beach watching the shooting stars. I cant stop myself from crying and screaming when i do open my eyes and see my room. i wotn listent to logic, i wont accept reality. it doesnt matter that i know i have to move on, cut my bracelets off, take the chain off, finish my scrap book and accept it all as memories. it doesnt matter that i tell myself that i may never experience what i experienced there ever again. i dont seem to care that if i move on for now i may still be able to feel the same way about it if it ever happened again. i guess i just need a mourning time. it didnt help that the only two reasons i was exited to get back: my familly and my friends blew up in my face. my mother yelled at me before i even walked thru the door and my friends got mad at me within 3 hours of seeing them...i hope thats all behind us now tho. anyways i guess ive said everything i have to say. i dont know if i said that i left hawaii without my heart, my love, and my emotions in the post i deleted or the one below, either way its true.
au revoir.
Its so hard being back. there are times wehre im fine, i think 'im not sad its over, im happy it happened' and then there are times where i cant walk around because i hate the feel of walking on this ground and not the ground in hawaii. When that happens the only thing i can do is curl up, listen to 'one is the lonliest number' 'she will be loved' and 'my happy ending' while i hold onto the chain as tightly as i can. ive lost track of how many times ive shut my eyes so tight that it hurt, blocked out all sounds exept for my music and prayed that when i opened my eyes id be lying on a beach watching the shooting stars. I cant stop myself from crying and screaming when i do open my eyes and see my room. i wotn listent to logic, i wont accept reality. it doesnt matter that i know i have to move on, cut my bracelets off, take the chain off, finish my scrap book and accept it all as memories. it doesnt matter that i tell myself that i may never experience what i experienced there ever again. i dont seem to care that if i move on for now i may still be able to feel the same way about it if it ever happened again. i guess i just need a mourning time. it didnt help that the only two reasons i was exited to get back: my familly and my friends blew up in my face. my mother yelled at me before i even walked thru the door and my friends got mad at me within 3 hours of seeing them...i hope thats all behind us now tho. anyways i guess ive said everything i have to say. i dont know if i said that i left hawaii without my heart, my love, and my emotions in the post i deleted or the one below, either way its true.
au revoir.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home