so on we go
This is inspired by elisas 'and so it starts again' blog...so read that.
10 minutes before we had to get in the taxi to head towards the airport. walking back from the restaurant. trying to hold back the tears. all i can tell julia as we build up the courage to get into the car, partly for her, mostly for me, is 'dont look back. whatever you do, keep walking and dont turn around.' i dont know if julia ignored my advice and looked back, but i know that i did. i dont know if any of you know the story...maybe its from the bible, maybe its a greek myth, i dont remember. anyways i dont even remember the whole story, something about people being pushed away from their homes and if they looked back they would be turned to stone. so this one familly starts running. around them people are screaming as a few of their loved ones look back and turn to stone. they keep running, the mother or someone turns around and sure enough, she gets colder and colder, she cant move, shes a statue. The thing about that story is i cant remember the end lol. maybe her familly turned around to see what had happened, or maybe they kept running and only assumed that she had looked back. i feel like that woman, i looked back and sure enough, i felt cold, my heart felt heavy, it got harder and harder to keep walking. i had to run back to the bathroom twice just to see if i could walk out again, the second time i left the back way so i wouldnt be tempted to look. as for the 'familly' that kept on running...they're the friends i met in hawaii. how could they look back and see me so upset, so cold, so stone? i could call them, i could yell, i could scream. i could describe every inch of my emotions, i could cry and beg them to understand, but no1 can feel what im feeling right now. thats not to say that other people havent. i know that everyone has at least once, and if they havnt then they will soon. i know i'll feel this way again, i know i'll get happy again, it doesnt matter. the point is that i feel so alone no matter how many 'aw baby im so sorry' s i hear, no matter how many 'if u ever wanna talk' s i hear, no matter how many 'im hear for you' s i hear, it doesnt help. thank you to every one who has tried tho. i'll kid myself and pretend im fine, then i'll wake up to reality and watch as me and julia walk round the twisting, paved walkways leading to the top of the rapids. the tears will build up as i see me riding her down the actual rapid slide. a tear will fall down my cheek as i invision myself walking up to the hut, mouth dry, heart racing. i'll start to really cry as a shooting star flys in between the frame made from the palm trees. i'm sobbing as the sprinklers soak me, as i feel the wet grass between my toes and try to avoid frogs. im sobbing uncontrolably as every wave crashes and the bottle raises to my lips. the cabana, the lounger, the sand the chain the 'righton's thesunset,theadultpoolthecurfewthesneakingoutthewristbands,thetowelsthemusictheclub
EVERYTHING! its one big blur of happy memories that wont fade! that i cant get rid of! that i can hardly talk about!!! i cant deal with being home! with all the drama that has taken place in the past week! and ive only been back for a week!!! i didnt think i had any more tears left, every night i suprise myself. leaving england, my home, didnt hurt as much as getting onto that plane to leave paradise. thats saying alot.
10 minutes before we had to get in the taxi to head towards the airport. walking back from the restaurant. trying to hold back the tears. all i can tell julia as we build up the courage to get into the car, partly for her, mostly for me, is 'dont look back. whatever you do, keep walking and dont turn around.' i dont know if julia ignored my advice and looked back, but i know that i did. i dont know if any of you know the story...maybe its from the bible, maybe its a greek myth, i dont remember. anyways i dont even remember the whole story, something about people being pushed away from their homes and if they looked back they would be turned to stone. so this one familly starts running. around them people are screaming as a few of their loved ones look back and turn to stone. they keep running, the mother or someone turns around and sure enough, she gets colder and colder, she cant move, shes a statue. The thing about that story is i cant remember the end lol. maybe her familly turned around to see what had happened, or maybe they kept running and only assumed that she had looked back. i feel like that woman, i looked back and sure enough, i felt cold, my heart felt heavy, it got harder and harder to keep walking. i had to run back to the bathroom twice just to see if i could walk out again, the second time i left the back way so i wouldnt be tempted to look. as for the 'familly' that kept on running...they're the friends i met in hawaii. how could they look back and see me so upset, so cold, so stone? i could call them, i could yell, i could scream. i could describe every inch of my emotions, i could cry and beg them to understand, but no1 can feel what im feeling right now. thats not to say that other people havent. i know that everyone has at least once, and if they havnt then they will soon. i know i'll feel this way again, i know i'll get happy again, it doesnt matter. the point is that i feel so alone no matter how many 'aw baby im so sorry' s i hear, no matter how many 'if u ever wanna talk' s i hear, no matter how many 'im hear for you' s i hear, it doesnt help. thank you to every one who has tried tho. i'll kid myself and pretend im fine, then i'll wake up to reality and watch as me and julia walk round the twisting, paved walkways leading to the top of the rapids. the tears will build up as i see me riding her down the actual rapid slide. a tear will fall down my cheek as i invision myself walking up to the hut, mouth dry, heart racing. i'll start to really cry as a shooting star flys in between the frame made from the palm trees. i'm sobbing as the sprinklers soak me, as i feel the wet grass between my toes and try to avoid frogs. im sobbing uncontrolably as every wave crashes and the bottle raises to my lips. the cabana, the lounger, the sand the chain the 'righton's thesunset,theadultpoolthecurfewthesneakingoutthewristbands,thetowelsthemusictheclub
EVERYTHING! its one big blur of happy memories that wont fade! that i cant get rid of! that i can hardly talk about!!! i cant deal with being home! with all the drama that has taken place in the past week! and ive only been back for a week!!! i didnt think i had any more tears left, every night i suprise myself. leaving england, my home, didnt hurt as much as getting onto that plane to leave paradise. thats saying alot.
2 Comments:
i guess that looking back is the hardest thing you do. thinking that you cannot look back, though, is just as hard. this may be of no use to you, but i'll say it anyway because i want to help you.
july 17th was the hardest day ever. Parting with people that you had had this extreme connection with for two weeks and maybe never seeing them again. I cried, yearning for something that had made me so fulfilled and happy in a way that i had never really felt before. i went hope and slept (thats what i do when i'm really sad). tears kept coming. but i guess its just time and growing that allows you to be able to remenisce...eg. "you remember the time we...?" and being able to laugh and not cry. yeah, it's going to be hard. i think that the people of brentwood (eg. self righteous assholes) make it even worse because they remind you of what you don't have.
I guess what did it for me was realizing that by trying to live in the past (eg. talking to jeff all the time about leah, brandon, john, corbin), i was forgetting all about the things that i had going for me in the present. sometimes we can sabatoge things that are great and bring us joy by remembering/wanting/yearning for the things that we have once had. and i'm not saying that you're doing this. i'm just saying that it helped me focus more on what's happening. frankly, i was worried that johanna was pissed at me for always talking about them. whether i was hyper-sensitive or right, i took a look at myself in my desheveled state and said, "i have to get out of here". yeah, the pain is still there from that incredible loss. but i focused on teh things that i had that i wouldn't have had there. i'm just saying, it worked for me.
other than that, i mean, i don't really know what to say, other than "aww i'm so sorry babe", and that's already been said.
and while you might think that things are going wrong, they probably aren't (i don't know if i can say that honestly, but you know). it's hard, i'm not gonna say it isn't. it'll take a while. but you'll get to that point of remeniscing and wishing you were back there, but not hating the life you have now.
i'm sorry that this is happening to you. it's a horrible feeling and it should be that we can see these people we had so much fun wtih all the time. I guess i just wish you feel a little better soon...because i love you, darlin, and i hate seeing you upset, especially when there's nothing i can say...xoxo
sorry that was elisa.
xoxo
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