"i want my baby back baby back baby back....riiibbbssss'
I have been so confused recently. Confused about saturday, my friends, definatly confused about material in classes.
I'm sure you all know that i do daycare on wednesdays and thursdays with johanna. I love it because i get to be the one looked up to (aswell as joey). I was talking to my mum the other week about babysitting and just discussing memories and things, she said that when other peopl will be going to therapy for abused childhoods, i'll be going becaus ei had such an amazing chilhood and i cant stand leaving it. shes right. thats one of the reasons why i love to babysit, i get to play makebelieve, and colour outside of the lines, and blow bubbles, and be payed for it, or get comminuity service for it. Its incredible. on one hand i go back to my childhood when i babysit, and i get to be a kid again, on the other hand im the responsible adult, its the best of both worlds.! when i babysit at houses i get creeped out, being in a childs bedroom or playroom scares me for some reason. i dont know what it is, but i was babysitting over the road a few weeks ago, i was in little almost 2 year old austins bedroom and i had a panick attack, the toys, the pale blue walls, it scared me. and then when i was babysitting for the jones kids 2 weeks ago i was in the sittingroom/play room and there were toys everywhere, and i freaked out. not noticably, luckily ive had enough panic attacks to disguise them unless i want people to know im having one. maybe thats not so lucky lol. anyywaayysss. i think it may be the thought of mortality. k was in a room of my own like that, with pink walls, and toys everywhere, and now im still in a pink room, but with clothes and high heels everywhere. its the thought that its all gone by so fast, ansd that it will be over soon....not soon technically, but it when it ends it will have been such a short time. or maybe its another oneof my unexplainable fears, like wrists. another fear i realized i have is 'little bit', but only when in terms of food or drinking (not alcohol necessarily) like if someone goes 'one sec i just want a little bit of chocolate first' it creeps me out to no end! i hate it! i get the chills! like i was playing chutes and ladders with this 5 year old kid names jordan (austins brother) (in england its called snakes and ladders) (just a bit of trivia for you) and he goes 'one sec, i just want a little sip of yogurt first' i nearly hit him! i dunno what it is, but it triggers a nerve.
....i think i need help.
xoxo
I'm sure you all know that i do daycare on wednesdays and thursdays with johanna. I love it because i get to be the one looked up to (aswell as joey). I was talking to my mum the other week about babysitting and just discussing memories and things, she said that when other peopl will be going to therapy for abused childhoods, i'll be going becaus ei had such an amazing chilhood and i cant stand leaving it. shes right. thats one of the reasons why i love to babysit, i get to play makebelieve, and colour outside of the lines, and blow bubbles, and be payed for it, or get comminuity service for it. Its incredible. on one hand i go back to my childhood when i babysit, and i get to be a kid again, on the other hand im the responsible adult, its the best of both worlds.! when i babysit at houses i get creeped out, being in a childs bedroom or playroom scares me for some reason. i dont know what it is, but i was babysitting over the road a few weeks ago, i was in little almost 2 year old austins bedroom and i had a panick attack, the toys, the pale blue walls, it scared me. and then when i was babysitting for the jones kids 2 weeks ago i was in the sittingroom/play room and there were toys everywhere, and i freaked out. not noticably, luckily ive had enough panic attacks to disguise them unless i want people to know im having one. maybe thats not so lucky lol. anyywaayysss. i think it may be the thought of mortality. k was in a room of my own like that, with pink walls, and toys everywhere, and now im still in a pink room, but with clothes and high heels everywhere. its the thought that its all gone by so fast, ansd that it will be over soon....not soon technically, but it when it ends it will have been such a short time. or maybe its another oneof my unexplainable fears, like wrists. another fear i realized i have is 'little bit', but only when in terms of food or drinking (not alcohol necessarily) like if someone goes 'one sec i just want a little bit of chocolate first' it creeps me out to no end! i hate it! i get the chills! like i was playing chutes and ladders with this 5 year old kid names jordan (austins brother) (in england its called snakes and ladders) (just a bit of trivia for you) and he goes 'one sec, i just want a little sip of yogurt first' i nearly hit him! i dunno what it is, but it triggers a nerve.
....i think i need help.
xoxo
3 Comments:
leaving childhood is one of the hardest things. i'm still not out of mine yet. but for now, while you get to savor the best of both worlds, truly savor it. i dont know what i'll do when i'm forced to be an adult.
everyone has wierd phobias and things like that. it's totally normal, and we love you for them.
xoxo
elisa
phobias make people unique. and i know exactly what you mean by getting freaked out by little kids rooms. its almost like I want to go back there. like I don't want to have to deal with all the drama, pressure and shit of a teenager world and i wanna go back to the simplicity of being 3. But actually realizing that a certain point in your life is simple and should be enjoyed is one of the hardest realizations to have. I think so at least. thats a confusing opinion but i can't exactly explain it any other way.
oh that last one was me, Vera. sorry i clicked the button 4 letters too soon i suppose.
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