'i'm torn, im all out of faith, this is how i feel, im cold and i shamed, lieing naked on the floor."
Well i said everything below to matt. i was in the dressing room giving him his cotume. as i walked out i said 'matt...' he said 'yea?' i said 'im really sorry.' and he said 'its alright' and i said 'no, its not. ive been thinking about it, ive spent the past few weeks trying to blame you, but i cant. i have no one to blame but myself. im mebarrased and ashamed, and i truly am sorry.' he didnt say anything to i left him to change. when i went back in the pants fit so badly that i started to laugh and saiod 'im sorry, i shouldnt laugh' and he said 'no no, it is funny'. he diodnt really understand. i didnt mean i shouldnt l;augh at the pants, because they did look rediculous, but that i idnt feel i should laugh around him anymore. i went out to leave him to change back. i didnt make it far, i sat on one of the stools in the hallway and cried. i heard jeff walk by...i didnt care. then the changing room door opened. i didnt mean to stay sitting outside that long, maybe he just changed quickly. i didnt look up, i cvould tell he was still standing in the doorway. he said 'are you ok?' i put my thumb up, he said 'really?' i picked my head up and looked at him. he said 'what do you want me to say kate?' i said 'i guess nothing' and he walked away.i could feel my heart breaking. Then after school as i was getting into my dads car he walked by, he looked up briefly and then looked away. i sat in the car and felt like a pole had been stuck thru my chest. i dont know what to do. i could not look at another guy again, not pay any attention to anyone but matt. i really culd do that, i have the willpower believe it or not. i could pretend i still have a chance. or i could realize its a lost cause and move on. i dont know wich i should do. please comment and tell me. in slightly diferent news, but really the same, i decided i should skip his concert at the roxy on the 29th. i dont think he'll want me there, and i'll just walk about and step into on going traffic.
ive never felt like this, ive never felt the crack in my heart before.
my life is a mess right now and its my fault. completely my fault. i can blame no one else. how can i fix it?
ive never felt like this, ive never felt the crack in my heart before.
my life is a mess right now and its my fault. completely my fault. i can blame no one else. how can i fix it?
1 Comments:
I don't completely agree with Joey, all except one part. You guys should definetely give eachother some space. I wouldn't say necessarily "move on, give up" (and i don't think that was what joey was saying either), but I think that you should give him time. Try to have fun right now, come back to him in a better place. He's really hurt right now, adn you're really hurt, and I think that if you push it, he or you could say something that is really bad, and would just add to the pain. If you do want to move on, you could attempt a friendship later, because I think that is viable. But I think that the feelings he had for you were deeper than the ones you had for him, and his heart broke (the whole pole thing) when he found out what you did. I think that you've both experienced a lot of shit, and now it's time to cool down, take some time to have fun (without adding to the pain), and come back when you both are in better places.
Again, like Johanna, I cannot relate. The advice might not be do-able, it might be optomistic, but it's all I can suggest.
Take care of yourself
I love you
Call if you need anything, ever
Elisa
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