My Side

I guess i should explain a few things. ive hardly hid the fact that ive been depressed this week. I have tried to explain it to a few people, but they look at me with blank expressions, they dont get it, i cant ask them to. Maybe i should appologize for a few things, but you see i dont feel ive done anything worth appologizing for. i didnt do one thing that im accused of. And i cant appologize for how i feel. I havnt asked any of my closest friendsfor advice or help because i know they cant give it. i guess all i ask is for people to put up with me, but if thats too much, i guess thats life. And sure, you don't have to deal with my shit, and u dont have to 'accomidate me' or 'deal with my relationships anymore' i havnt asked you to. I dont think its too much after all of the problems ive listened to, and all the advice ive tried to give, for maybe a few people to act like they care (im not talking about everybody, and some people have been trying to help). i cant take another break or lunch feeling like im ruining everybodys food,wich is one of the reasons why i distanced myself today. im not trying to be mean to anybody, imn trying to explain from my point of view. if i hear one more person say 'well try to look at it from my side' i think i'll go dive into the shallow end of my pool. for once, mayeb look at my side. sure maybe the grass is greener, maybe my diamond shoes dont fit, or my wallet is too small. maybe it seems like its great, but it isnt. and i really thinks its completely insensitive for asome peope to be mad at me over something i didnt do, when im feeling like this. u dont have to cater for me, or accomidate me, but mayeb take into account that ive spent the past week uner my sheets crying my eyes out, ripping my hair, slapping myself, trying to distance myself from every piece of shit, but being pulled back in, mayeb people will look at this and think im being a bitch, im not trying to be, maybe people will look and feel sorry for me, i doubt it. maybe people will read it and feel like they could help, you cant. i cant make anybody feel what i feel when i have a sudden flashback, or when i wake up crying from a dream about england. because how could anybody know? its so internal, its a tempest just ripping me from within. I cant make anybody understand how sorry i am for what i did to a certain somebody, i cant expect people to not think im totally in the wrong. so thats why i dotn try. I dotn know, maybe i just expect that when ive spent 2 years trying to help people, some people could maybe say they r there for me if i want to talk (not u jules, uve been great). Maybe i shouldnt expect that. and its not like ive never asked people for advice in thos two years, it probably seems like all i do is talk about my problems. i dont think i do tho.
anyways i have to go get ready for tap where i will get rid of all of this my beating the shit out of the floor.