It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
I don't really know where i should start. there are so many thoughts that i want to get out, but i don't want this to be too long.
I suppose i'll start with my thoughts on the play. The book of To Kill a Mockingbird has bad associations with me. It is a fantastic book, and i enjoyed reading it enormously. However i read it in 8th grade over spring break. That was the time of that terrible night with my brother and i remember lying in bed next to my mother with the doors open between my room and my brothers waiting for him to wake up. I don't remember what chapter i was reading, because i wasn't actually reading it to read it, but to keep my mind off of what was happening. So the book brings back bad memories. But the play brings amazing ones.
I don't remember 7th grade too well. All i remember is that i was obsessed with Jonah. Even after triple threat i would stay after school til 5:30 on the off chance that he was staying late too. I bought him candy hearts on valentines day and hannah helped em pick out the cutest messages to give to him. i remember walking into rehearsal in the dance room right after i gave them to him. he had told everyone and they all stared at me. I collapsed onto the floor wishing it would open and let me fall through lol. Its odd to think that i am now involved with a high school play no and not just triple threat. its odd that even afetr all of that stalking and yet running away eveyrtime he aw me bullshit i pulled in 7th grade, i'm still friends with jonah. I'm still sort of intimidated by the grade above, but i feel like that was a diferent person back then. I was so shy and scared and my voice shaked when i talked. i had two lines in triple threat 'there must be something diferent about them benny' 'well we don't make them same goofers when we're playing kansas city'. i still remember them! i drilled them over and over again infrotn of the mirror, but when the rehearsals or show came i was too scared to say them loud enough for anyone but me to hear. I'm so much more comfidant and comfortable with myseld now. i went to the middle school the other day and i realized that at the end of this year i will have spent as much time in high school as i did in middle school. it seemed like an alternate reality walkign through those halls, i felt as tho my legs were wrapped in dry ice or something. it was errie. i realized just how happy i am to eb out of there and how much i feel i have found myself in the past year and a quater. for the first time in my entire life i am truly happy with my social status, and relationship status, and eveyrthing else. my mum bought me one of those make a wish necklaces and i realized there wasnt anything that i really desperatly wanted to wish for. that has to be a good sign. I realized if i was asked to move back to england tomoro i wouldnt, and not necessarily because i think it would be too hard to say goodbye again, but because idont want to go back. I also realized during the medititation activity today that I am holding onto england with every ounce of energy in my body. i feel like that part of me is slipping awya and i'm so scared to let go. i feel like i could let go, but i dont trust that my memories and accent andf everyhting else tied with england wont go flying out of my body. its like im danging off a ledge...not a high one and i want to let go but i have no garentee that if i do i won't get hurt. I'm not ready to let go, but i'm ready to...i dont know, not focus on it. and thats a relief. I don't want the play to end, but auditions for the boyfriend are the day after we strike for TKAM. There isnt much time to breath or be sad that the play is ending. I want to ask everybody to not let me bail out of auditioning. please, if i look like i am going to, just turn me around and shove me into ms.lyons...please!.
I really hope i get in.
Anyways, much love
xoox
I suppose i'll start with my thoughts on the play. The book of To Kill a Mockingbird has bad associations with me. It is a fantastic book, and i enjoyed reading it enormously. However i read it in 8th grade over spring break. That was the time of that terrible night with my brother and i remember lying in bed next to my mother with the doors open between my room and my brothers waiting for him to wake up. I don't remember what chapter i was reading, because i wasn't actually reading it to read it, but to keep my mind off of what was happening. So the book brings back bad memories. But the play brings amazing ones.
I don't remember 7th grade too well. All i remember is that i was obsessed with Jonah. Even after triple threat i would stay after school til 5:30 on the off chance that he was staying late too. I bought him candy hearts on valentines day and hannah helped em pick out the cutest messages to give to him. i remember walking into rehearsal in the dance room right after i gave them to him. he had told everyone and they all stared at me. I collapsed onto the floor wishing it would open and let me fall through lol. Its odd to think that i am now involved with a high school play no and not just triple threat. its odd that even afetr all of that stalking and yet running away eveyrtime he aw me bullshit i pulled in 7th grade, i'm still friends with jonah. I'm still sort of intimidated by the grade above, but i feel like that was a diferent person back then. I was so shy and scared and my voice shaked when i talked. i had two lines in triple threat 'there must be something diferent about them benny' 'well we don't make them same goofers when we're playing kansas city'. i still remember them! i drilled them over and over again infrotn of the mirror, but when the rehearsals or show came i was too scared to say them loud enough for anyone but me to hear. I'm so much more comfidant and comfortable with myseld now. i went to the middle school the other day and i realized that at the end of this year i will have spent as much time in high school as i did in middle school. it seemed like an alternate reality walkign through those halls, i felt as tho my legs were wrapped in dry ice or something. it was errie. i realized just how happy i am to eb out of there and how much i feel i have found myself in the past year and a quater. for the first time in my entire life i am truly happy with my social status, and relationship status, and eveyrthing else. my mum bought me one of those make a wish necklaces and i realized there wasnt anything that i really desperatly wanted to wish for. that has to be a good sign. I realized if i was asked to move back to england tomoro i wouldnt, and not necessarily because i think it would be too hard to say goodbye again, but because idont want to go back. I also realized during the medititation activity today that I am holding onto england with every ounce of energy in my body. i feel like that part of me is slipping awya and i'm so scared to let go. i feel like i could let go, but i dont trust that my memories and accent andf everyhting else tied with england wont go flying out of my body. its like im danging off a ledge...not a high one and i want to let go but i have no garentee that if i do i won't get hurt. I'm not ready to let go, but i'm ready to...i dont know, not focus on it. and thats a relief. I don't want the play to end, but auditions for the boyfriend are the day after we strike for TKAM. There isnt much time to breath or be sad that the play is ending. I want to ask everybody to not let me bail out of auditioning. please, if i look like i am going to, just turn me around and shove me into ms.lyons...please!.
I really hope i get in.
Anyways, much love
xoox
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