All I can do is think, and as a result all I can do is write.
The blinding lights restrict my vision enough to distance me. I know everyone is watching, and I want to perform for them. There is an invisible wall dividing us, causing two worlds. They have the advantage point of being about to see into ours. We have the advantage point of being able to ignore them. Our world continues, there's is on hold while they explore ours.
I feel the same way walking on full display. Heels too high to be functional, clothes I would never wear. The lights aren't blinding enough seperate me from them, they see me, and I see them. All eyes are on me, the music plays for me, the lights shine on me. It is my moment. One foot infront of the other, turn, pose, turn, pose, one foot infront of the other. Shaking. My purpose is to display. People came to see the clothes, the table in the corner came to see me. I wouldn't disapoint.
She recieved the video, she showed the whole family. She was so proud, her daughter in law and grandaughter in los angeles, showing themseleves off. She would have recieved the video of the boyfriend, and the pictures, she would have shown everyone.
"look how big she is"
"look at that wig, remember when her hair was like that?"
"look at the costumes"
Unless she's watching from above, she'll never see that video, or the pictures. She'll never see me again...she never really did. I wonder if she ever thought of me. the only picture of me in her house was of me and James, I am about 4 in it. I guess she didn't think of me. She didn't know how much like her I am becoming. She doesn't know how much i look like her. She can't be proud of me. She won't see what I've become. I can't carry on pretending that i dont care like i used to. She was always my grandmother, she loved me regardless of what she knew about me. I miss her, I miss the blissful ignorence i used to feel. i miss not wasting my lfie thinking about death.
I need to be in the other world, i need the bright lights, i need to perform for them. I want them to watch me. When they do, they don't know me, they don't see me, they don't know how much i hurt, and for a while i can pretend I don't. I don't care if i have no part, id be happy if i just sat on a stool in the back the entire time. i just need to be up there.
I feel the same way walking on full display. Heels too high to be functional, clothes I would never wear. The lights aren't blinding enough seperate me from them, they see me, and I see them. All eyes are on me, the music plays for me, the lights shine on me. It is my moment. One foot infront of the other, turn, pose, turn, pose, one foot infront of the other. Shaking. My purpose is to display. People came to see the clothes, the table in the corner came to see me. I wouldn't disapoint.
She recieved the video, she showed the whole family. She was so proud, her daughter in law and grandaughter in los angeles, showing themseleves off. She would have recieved the video of the boyfriend, and the pictures, she would have shown everyone.
"look how big she is"
"look at that wig, remember when her hair was like that?"
"look at the costumes"
Unless she's watching from above, she'll never see that video, or the pictures. She'll never see me again...she never really did. I wonder if she ever thought of me. the only picture of me in her house was of me and James, I am about 4 in it. I guess she didn't think of me. She didn't know how much like her I am becoming. She doesn't know how much i look like her. She can't be proud of me. She won't see what I've become. I can't carry on pretending that i dont care like i used to. She was always my grandmother, she loved me regardless of what she knew about me. I miss her, I miss the blissful ignorence i used to feel. i miss not wasting my lfie thinking about death.
I need to be in the other world, i need the bright lights, i need to perform for them. I want them to watch me. When they do, they don't know me, they don't see me, they don't know how much i hurt, and for a while i can pretend I don't. I don't care if i have no part, id be happy if i just sat on a stool in the back the entire time. i just need to be up there.
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