but everything looks perfect from far away, 'come down now', but we'll stay

The sun beats down, the birds chirp from their branches, their are a few select clouds in the sky, I float instead of walk.

A chilled breeze stabs through the air, the only sound is the beating of my heart, the sky is overcast and heavy, the ground is so real and restraining, gravity takes pride in it's work.

It doesn't take much to make me switch between these two moods. One word, maybe two, can make my heart fall to my ankles, a lump rise in my throat, and a steady pounding resignate through my head. Then 5 steps take place, the same every time, the same in pattern and in length.

1) I leave to go somewhere private
2) I start to cry
3) I get really angry
4) I have to control myself before i break something or run away
5) I count backwards from 10

10..9..8..7..6..5..4..3..2..1...


When I'm on top it's compromised. I want so badly to be happy and floaty, and i can be, but the reality of what makes me crumble is always in the back of my mind. I'm constantly aware that i can be sent spirraling down any second.

With no one to talk to and no one to listen i get so alone. The lonliness turns into emptiness, which turns into anger.

I know i have any number of people who will offer for me to talk to them, including my family, but i can't, ive tried. i tried telling james, but it never sounds the way it feels when i say it out loud. Besides, whats the point, if i could make someone, anyone, understand, all they could say would be:

'aww baby, i'm so sorry.'

and what does that do?