I'll build a boat, steady and true, and soon as its done, i'm gonna sail along in a dream of my dear someone...
She liked the twenties...of course she had the pleasure of living through them, even if she was still in the single digit age range.
God, it was so long ago...
Why did it happen now? now when i'm begining to realize how similar i am to her. Now when i realize i want to do costume design, and play with dolls houses. Now when I could learn from her. I feel so used and ripped apart...she was there when everyone else needed her, she has a picture of James' graduation on her wall...she has pictures of EVERYONE'S graduations on her walls..exept for mine. There is one picture of me in her house and I'm four...sitting next to james. They all learned from her, they all talked to her, I never did. I never sat down and had a single conversation with her, she barely knew me.
This christmas she went shopping with her daughter to get me a present and she said 'I want to spoil kate, she hasnt got a nana in california' NO! I DONT! i dont have a nana in the whole world...all i have is a porcelain shoe that i was left in the will. I dont want it! i want her!I want to feel her powdery cheek one last time...i tried so hard when i saw her at the mortuary. but she was so tiny, so still, and her hand was so cold, i was scared to. And now its gone, its ashes. I don't remember her voice, i dont remember the way she walked. i just remember her smile, and how she danced. i dont know if she ever smiled at me, or danced with me, i dont remember! i used to! but now i dont. Now all i can remember is looking at the slide show my uncles made to play at the funeral and seeing a picture with her and everyone...i dont have a single picture of me and her. i want one!
I was talking to my mother about our trip to england this summer. She said she only wanted to go to ireland and warwickshire
'What about liverpool?' I asked
'its not the same there anymore' she answered too truthfully for me
'But we will still visit?'
'i'm sure we will, but they are selling the house, we will have to visit everyone seperatly, we won't all gather just to talk anymore'
'oh'
'Kate, its changed now, she's not going to be there anymore'
And at that moment i saw death fucking smirking, and i could hear him saying 'see what i can do kate? i can fuck everything you ever knew and remembered, i can make you regretful, and make you want what you always had. And the best part is, there is nothing you can do.'
I ran away, i ran straight to a graveyard...
God, it was so long ago...
Why did it happen now? now when i'm begining to realize how similar i am to her. Now when i realize i want to do costume design, and play with dolls houses. Now when I could learn from her. I feel so used and ripped apart...she was there when everyone else needed her, she has a picture of James' graduation on her wall...she has pictures of EVERYONE'S graduations on her walls..exept for mine. There is one picture of me in her house and I'm four...sitting next to james. They all learned from her, they all talked to her, I never did. I never sat down and had a single conversation with her, she barely knew me.
This christmas she went shopping with her daughter to get me a present and she said 'I want to spoil kate, she hasnt got a nana in california' NO! I DONT! i dont have a nana in the whole world...all i have is a porcelain shoe that i was left in the will. I dont want it! i want her!I want to feel her powdery cheek one last time...i tried so hard when i saw her at the mortuary. but she was so tiny, so still, and her hand was so cold, i was scared to. And now its gone, its ashes. I don't remember her voice, i dont remember the way she walked. i just remember her smile, and how she danced. i dont know if she ever smiled at me, or danced with me, i dont remember! i used to! but now i dont. Now all i can remember is looking at the slide show my uncles made to play at the funeral and seeing a picture with her and everyone...i dont have a single picture of me and her. i want one!
I was talking to my mother about our trip to england this summer. She said she only wanted to go to ireland and warwickshire
'What about liverpool?' I asked
'its not the same there anymore' she answered too truthfully for me
'But we will still visit?'
'i'm sure we will, but they are selling the house, we will have to visit everyone seperatly, we won't all gather just to talk anymore'
'oh'
'Kate, its changed now, she's not going to be there anymore'
And at that moment i saw death fucking smirking, and i could hear him saying 'see what i can do kate? i can fuck everything you ever knew and remembered, i can make you regretful, and make you want what you always had. And the best part is, there is nothing you can do.'
I ran away, i ran straight to a graveyard...
1 Comments:
Kate, I am sorry you have to go through this. I know how you feel because when I was in 8th grade my grandmother died, almost exactly a month before my birthday. It was really hard for me to be happy that I was going to turn 14, because I knew that she wasnt going to call & say happy birthday. However, a week after she died my mom brough a small present to my room where I was admiring a painting that belonged to my grandmother (currently hanging above my bed). The gift was wrapped in yellow wrapping paper with balloons and a pink ribbon, the wrapping paper color had faded with time. My mom gave me the gift, saying it was from my grandmother, and left. I opened it to find a small photo album. And as i started to cry I realized that even though she isnt here with me in person, she is still with me. I put a picture of her in the photo album & it helped me realize that she never left me in the first place.
I dont know if my short story helped at all or made u utterly bored. But I just wanted to share it with u. and if u ever wanna talk, im here 4 u...
until next time,
you know you love me xoxo
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