I'm sort of like a lion's cage, such a cautious display...
Yes, I was devastated to be leaving. Yes I was utterly exited to be coming back. I was so confused...but the happiest i've been sinse two weeks ago on tuesday was up in the clouds. New Zealand Airlines, upgraded to business class, stretched out and listening to interpol.
'We ain't going to the town
We're going to the city
Gonna treck this shit around
And make this place a heart
To be a part of.'
I was crying, and utterly torn. Part of me wanted to run up to the cock pitt, slaughter the pilot and co pilot, have the ability to fly a plane and take us all back to heathrow. Another part of me wanted to run up to the cock pitt, slaughter the pilot and co pilot, have the ability to fly a plane, step on the gas and take us to LAX as fast as humanly possible. Another part of me wanted to stay suspended in air, staring at the clouds, and crying.
The fasten your seatbelt sign came on and we went through some heavy turbulence. I experienced something I've never felt before...i wanted the plane to spin out of control, i wanted the adrenaline of feeling my stomach come up as we fell to the ground. Of course I wanted to survive, i just wanted the thrill.
But the turbulence stopped.
This morning my carpool driver started speeding, and again, part of me wanted him to crash the car. I wanted to spin out of control and into something, i wanted to feel the impact, i wanted to survive, but i wanted the feeling of being lead out of control. But he slowed down and we got to school.
I want to go back to the plane, i want to stare out of the windows and imagine seeing my grandmother through tear filled eyes. She would appear from heaven and tap on the window to say goodbye forever. Only it wouldn't be forever...the turbulance would get stronger and stronger until the oxygen masks fell from above us. That sounds suicidal or sadistic or w.e but its not, i swear.
I don't cut myself, i don't burn myself or hit myself, i dont hurt myself at all. i just wanted to be lost in something i had no control over. Not just my mind, but my body too...i wanted to be thrown about.
I don't want to go to school, i don't want to come home. I don't want to be in classes, i don't want to go to rehearsal. i don't want to go to the library, i don't want to go to the sophmore area. i don't want to go to bed, i don't want to get up. i'm just bored with everything, i want something to happen, something that sends me spiralling out of control with happiness...i'm sick of this sinking feeling and always being nervous.
I want to be in the clouds...i want ultimate freedom.
'We ain't going to the town
We're going to the city
Gonna treck this shit around
And make this place a heart
To be a part of.'
I was crying, and utterly torn. Part of me wanted to run up to the cock pitt, slaughter the pilot and co pilot, have the ability to fly a plane and take us all back to heathrow. Another part of me wanted to run up to the cock pitt, slaughter the pilot and co pilot, have the ability to fly a plane, step on the gas and take us to LAX as fast as humanly possible. Another part of me wanted to stay suspended in air, staring at the clouds, and crying.
The fasten your seatbelt sign came on and we went through some heavy turbulence. I experienced something I've never felt before...i wanted the plane to spin out of control, i wanted the adrenaline of feeling my stomach come up as we fell to the ground. Of course I wanted to survive, i just wanted the thrill.
But the turbulence stopped.
This morning my carpool driver started speeding, and again, part of me wanted him to crash the car. I wanted to spin out of control and into something, i wanted to feel the impact, i wanted to survive, but i wanted the feeling of being lead out of control. But he slowed down and we got to school.
I want to go back to the plane, i want to stare out of the windows and imagine seeing my grandmother through tear filled eyes. She would appear from heaven and tap on the window to say goodbye forever. Only it wouldn't be forever...the turbulance would get stronger and stronger until the oxygen masks fell from above us. That sounds suicidal or sadistic or w.e but its not, i swear.
I don't cut myself, i don't burn myself or hit myself, i dont hurt myself at all. i just wanted to be lost in something i had no control over. Not just my mind, but my body too...i wanted to be thrown about.
I don't want to go to school, i don't want to come home. I don't want to be in classes, i don't want to go to rehearsal. i don't want to go to the library, i don't want to go to the sophmore area. i don't want to go to bed, i don't want to get up. i'm just bored with everything, i want something to happen, something that sends me spiralling out of control with happiness...i'm sick of this sinking feeling and always being nervous.
I want to be in the clouds...i want ultimate freedom.
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