Just a boy, just an ordinary boy, but he was looking to the sky

For a while I wanted to be just like my brother. I still do i suppose...he's so popular at college, and all of the girls he's friends with have crushes on him. He always seemed to have such a grip on life...even when he was 13. I never had a grip on anything. My room was always, and still is, a mess. My handwriting never quite matured, i can never, no matter how hard i try, write my last name neatly. Up until this year, my grades may have sucked but my teachers always wrote how nice and considerate i was, on this quaters report card, not one teacher showed any signs of giving a fuck about how I'm doing after my grandmother died. James always had a plan, it never stayed the same, but it was always clear to him at that time. He always worked towards what he wanted, and got it. I never cared enough about anything to work for it. I used to be a dancer. 3 times a week...from 4:30 til 7 on mondays and wednesdays and then 9-3 on saturdays, and then later on from 12-3 on sundays. I guess I lost alot of myself when I stopped dancing...the movements were always so clear, and while I couldn't get my leg as high as the other girls, and I was never as thin as them, the dances were easy for me. When I stopped dancing I discovered acting...thats a lie. I never discovered it, it was a pipe dream held together solely because its what James loves. When he went to college I became my own older sibling, giving my self comforting words of advice in his absence. Yet in his absence i had a void...no dreams to care about, nothing to pretend to work for, no dances to learn. I have to fill the empty hole, he's been gone for 2 years, and I've shadowed myself in him for as long as I can remember. Its time to become myself.