We've got so much to leave, but thats not what makes this right.

i stared at your body, but you didn't stare back. i held your hand, but you didn't hold back. i stood over your coffin, sat in the first row at your funeral, and in the second at the crematory. i wept as the curtains closed and in my mind i called out to you, begging you not to leave. i'd like to think that you died to teach me something. that whoever runs this place realized i'd never been truly hurt before and decided it was time. but that would make me bigger than i am. it would make me feel important and like i'm the centre of not only my world, but everyone elses. and i know thats not true, because as i sit in my room i realize just how small i am. god has no plan for me, because if he did he'd have plans for everybody. fate is just a pipe dream we convince ourselves is real when things don't go the way we want them to. its something that we cling onto when we realize that we've made the wrong decision. and for someone so young, i've made too many wrong decisions. for example, did you know that when you'd call, i'd leave the room so i wouldn't have to talk to you. and when forced to engage, i'd make up excuses and hang up prematurely. had i know how similar we were... had i know that there was more to talk to you about than school... but i didn't, and wouldn't it be nice to say that i found out too late because god willed it that way? but if thats true then god is pretty fucked up, and to be honest, i don't want to belive in someone like that running the universe. its not his fault that i cry so much. but i've cried entirely too much over the past few months, and when i'm not crying, i'm laughing. it doesnt take much to put a strong emotion in me, a childish punchline can make me hysterically laugh, a slight critism can make me hysterically cry. and i'm really sick of it. i'm sick of where i am and where i know i will be heading. but while i miss you so much, i know that if you were still here, i would see you only slightly more than i do now. but don't you see how much you've taught me by saying nothing at all? i looked at pictures from last november the other day. you wore your green hat from new zealand, and the green skirt suit with the pink flowers from marks and spencers. that outfit is far to familiar to me...as it no longer exists. its gone with you, and what a disturbing concept to see you standing with my father so alive two years ago, but to so strongly recall you lying there so dead in such an empty room two months ago. you didnt open your eyes like i begged you to, you didnt open your mouth and comfort us like i asked, and you didnt grasp any of our hands. you couldnt come back for them, you certainly couldnt for me. so i guess it won't be in your living room that i'll see you next...it'll be somewhere nowhere near here. but then again, you never were near here.