how we found the same old fears, wish you were here...

It broke my heart leaving. Thats it, in a nutshell, i didnt think it would hurt as bad, and it hurt twice as much. You see, i realized in those two days how much they love me, as much as i love them, and i could have stayed there forever. it could have been the drink, and i cant deny that i was sloshed the entire time, but that gave me the confidence to dance, joke, and generally be a part of it all. it was the single most enjoyable weekend of my life, and i cant help but cry and a sad/happy way on looking back. the truth is that i wish i hadnt come to ireland. i love my mothers side, but its so diferent. i want to go back to widness, i want to sit in the rugby club and laugh at my father as they all rip him to shreds on supposedly buying his first round of drinks ever. i want to order a jack and coke without any worry of being IDed or judged. i want to give chris my biggest and best smile and have the reward of a wink, i want to throw darts as hard as i can at the board, but not because im leaving, not to get the frustration of being ripped away again out. i want to be spun by my cousin billy, i want to laugh at the helmet brothers, i want to go to bed and then wake up with familiar faces. and if i cant have that then i want to come back to l.a. to other familiar smiling faces that i love. it just seems unecessary to me to have to cry even more when i leave ireland, and i will, ill miss it so much. its not that i dont want to be here, but that i didnt want to come so i wouldnt have to leave.

i said goodbye to my nanas house, its gone up for sale now. my uncle johhny, who lives there, has no plan but to wander the streets staying with people week to week as a drifter. i couldnt do it. going back there was no escaping her existance, she watches over all of them. and my cousin katherine told me something. she said that everytime the family got together while we were away, they talked about how much they missed dad, how wonderful mum is, how intelligent james is, and how beautiful im getting. i cried. she told me that nana loved me, and talked about it. and now im peaceful with it all. she isnt in l.a. so she couldnt see how much i missed her, but sitting in her room she could. as i played with the ring i inherited, i knew we were connected, just for a second...

silly how such little things keep you holding on...

i'll never forget that weekend, and as long as i live, i'll wish it had lasted longer.