Ode to a Selfish Realization...

Last night I lay in bed and I felt physically tired. i was sorry for myself, so being alone I started to comfort myself. i do that sometimes, I make myself another person and take care of the original destraut me. It hits me, once again, that in the end all I have is myself. In the end it isn't that bad to be selfish, because if you think of yourself as two people, one responsible, and one vulnerable, the responsible one does the 'selfish' thing to take care of the vulnerable. in the end we're all our own parents, if we think of it that way. It makes me feel a little less overwhelmed, a little less alone. maybe i'm becoming scitzofrenic (spelling???), but if thats what it takes to feel good again, then that's okay. I'd love to be a mother, and I'd love to be a young child again. I'd love to forget what i know, about people, and the world...what little i know, and have complete confidence that someone else could make it all better. I'd love to give that trust to someone else, someone innocent and helpless, who needs me. the truth is tho that i can't do that for long, just like they couldn't for me, no one else can, no matter how much they want to. i can't save a life, and he can't give me lasting confidence. But maybe I can trust myself to make everything better, for me anyways, or maybe i can feel safe knowing that i can take control.

maybe...