Who wants to live forever?

If you're going to die, it seems like Ireland is the place for it. Maybe when I'm older I'll move here to open a mortuary, id be a millionare. I wish that I had more faith to find a reason in all of this. I wish that there was something I believed in so strongly that all of this didn't terrify me. But you see as I sat in the guest room of my other cousins house, staring into the mountains, I could see the graveyard in which my grandma (my mother's mother), and my auntie Lily are buried, and it struck me as strange that so many people who were breathing, thinking, living, just like I am, are now a part of that mountain, buried into it without a choice. I can't find any logic to it, I can't seem to find any answers to believe.

I wrote an email to my mother saying that Angela has arranged for all of the Mulhollands to come down for a bbq on sunday, and she wrote back saying that it will be a small gathering as most of them are dead. That doesn't strike me as very fair, that some people have huge families, that they see all of the time, and i have a small one, that i never see. Why do some people have 4, old, creepy, mean grandparents that they hate, and i had 4 of the most amazing people in the entire world that died before i could get to know any of them? Why do I only have stories?

And I know that there are so many people worse off, with no parents, or split up families, or other disfunctional things, i know im luckier than alot of people. but why couldnt i have met them? and why do i still love them even so i never knew them?

I looked at baby mark crying the other day, we were in the car, just the two of us and he was screaming his head off. Youth is wasted on the young; why are babies, who have nothing really to get hysterical about, allowed to kick and scream, be lifted up, and kissed all over, and adults who have seen things they never wanted to, and know things they never asked aren't?

Where are you now?