I see no bravery

In a life where nothing is permanent, and nothing is certain, my main fear is to lose someone. I lost my mother for a while. i lost my grandmother. i nearly lost a friend. i don't want to lose you too. Who directs all of this? Who struck you the same way that she was? Who put you in the same hospital that she was in? This is all just far too familiar, and unlike last time, i have no faith left to sustain me even in the begining. I can make no sense of life, i see nothing worth striving for, no reason to make an effort. why just 8 weeks ago (which sounds like a long time, but isn't)you span me around, asked me to stay with you next time, you seemed as healthy as me. but so did she. i hope with every ounce of energy in my body that somehow you'll be saved, you aren't old enough yet, you can't let your mother outlive you. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to lose another, the blows keep coming in quick succesion. and i don't know what this would do to me. just hold on, stay alive. stay alive. please stay alive.