With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go

What is this feeling? I want to skip with the wind and curl up in a corner and cry. I'm happy and sad. excited and nostalic. I feel like i want to live my life the best that i can, but then i wouldn't mind if i died right now. how many times have i asked for the car to crash, just to know what it feels like? how many times have i begged for the turbulence to be even more? how many times have i been disappointed to arrive at the destination? arriving means leaving, and leaving means arriving. all my life in order to see some people ive had to leave others. i envy those who have their entire life in the same city they've always lived in. But at the same time i know that the chances i have are so amazing. if that car had crashed it wouldve destroyed so many lives, but that would be too strange. For me to die the same way that Tom did, but 3 years younger. I saw a glimpse of Tom in that other boys face as he slept. it hit me again just how gone he is. its been 2 years but it still shocks me every time. how are his parents now? hows jessie? i hear she's made herself a nightmare. wheres the reason for it? and yet here the sun is so bright and my day is so open. i could do anything i want today. i'm free. i'll be freer on friday, but so much more upset. wheres the central point to this post? i have no idea...