Stand aside

No, I won't quit. Through the most exhausting tests, painful next days, embarrasing moments, and the worst self doubt I will inevitably face, I still won't quit. I have to do this, to prove to everybody that I can. But mostly, to prove to myself that I'm not the failure I'm starting to see myself as. I realize how ridiculous it will look. I realize how strenuous the conditioning will be, and I realize what I'm going to have to give up to do it. It'll mean be completely clean until the last match, it'll mean depriving myself of so much that i love. And to be honest, I don't particularly want to change my ways one bit, but that's the problem. and i can recognize it. so i will not quit. shit...